The Collisional Effect

I probably should approach it different
I am aware of how people can change
I know I have
Subtle differences I am still the same
Older “wiser”
I cannot change the feelings the memories
That are associated with your face
That go along with your presence
That I want to say to you
You may have moved on
You may have forgotten
To me the hurt remains
To me you are the same
No matter how much time passes
No matter how different you appear
Time does not erase everything
I remember every judgement
I remember every betrayal
Every cold shoulder
Every nose curled up
Every drop of saliva
That was aimed at me
I fucking remember
The cuts are still here
The cuts from your words
From your eyes
From your absence
You should have been the one to die
Instead the ones that reached down
The ones that were there
Were taken from me
Stolen for what?
So I can be left here with
douche-bags like you?
It’s all some cruel joke
Countless die in monthly natural disasters
and scumbags roam freely
Tell me why anyone wants to live in this world
Minute sense of happiness
then gravity kicks in
Back to the bottom
For some reason I am forced
I am shoved into these interactions
The exchange of pleasantries
For what reason?
My path must lead me to this
for some reason
It’s never anyone I want to converse with
I wish I could tell you
How I feel
Tell you about the pain
I am far too respectful and polite
For my own good
It tears me up inside
After all this time
All the years that have passed
I am still coming to grips
I am still healing from the pain
Every day is another stumble
I feel like I am inching closer
but your appearances
Our collisions don’t exactly help
It all comes crashing back
The dam breaks and I drown
In the water I have slowly come to tread
You push me back into deeper waters
I am forced to pull myself back to where I was
Swim back to the lifeboat
Knowing I could encounter another shark along the way
Knowing I will come face to face with another
Just like you
You are all the same
The ones I want to share space with
Are nowhere to be found
Maybe one day my path
Will cross their’s
And every time I encounter one of you
I can’t help but
pray that the fallen ones are all right
That they are looking down
Cheering for me
Maybe they are orchestrating things
and pushing me into these interactions
In hopes I learn
In hopes I grow
In hopes my strength improves
The random collisions may bring forth
Sour memories of the past
but it also calls upon memories
of the past
You cause me to vent
but you also cause me to cry
In remembrance of the ones taken away
Every tear is a
Glistening treat
Because you are such a douche
It makes me even more grateful
For the ones who actually gave a damn
So praise the dicks
They put it all in perspective
Just don’t tell them that


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