I got my first royalty check

I opened the envelope and put it right in my desk drawer.  I’m not sure how to feel about it at all.  Part of me is saying that this should be some pivotal moment in my life but the rest of me is shrugging.  I actually shrugged as I closed the drawer.  Okay yes this was AFTER I tweeted a picture of it, but that was a quiet way of saying “Tell me how I should be feeling.”

A year ago I released My Enveloping Reflection, writing it was more satisfying than this morning’s envelope tearing.  Figuring out how to put together the ebook file and finally succeeding was more of a fruitful experience.  I felt more accomplished in just about every moment related to MER and the followup (Armorless and Afraid) than this one.

Both of the poetry collections were written to inspire MYSELF.  I wrote these because I had to.  I’m a better person because of the whole experience of writing and releasing them.  I don’t look in the mirror with disgust and turn to bottle after bottle after bottle to fix my perception, to lift my spirits.   Is everything perfect now?  Definitely not.  I did get more out of it than I ever expected.  I really just wanted to write a collection of poetry that wasn’t just like I stapled a bunch of separate poems together and said VOILA COLLECTION.  *slaps title on it* and *attaches cover*.  Poetry is as lame as it is beautiful and brilliant.  There’s always a thin line.  Always and everywhere.  I’m losing focus here…

I’m sure there’s many people out there who right from the jump want and expect to be paid for what they write.  That’s not me.  I’ve said all along that I would much rather people download the ebooks straight from me.  FOR FREE.  These poetry collections were about expression and being completely honest with myself.  I’ve learned a lot about myself through these beginning steps of my new life.  That’s what it feels like now, it’s not about regression or fear or anything else it’s about clarity and feeling in control of myself.  For the most part.  There’s always going to be ups and downs.  The hardest part of sobriety is learning and practicing patience in regards to myself.  Being patient with myself is difficult, I have to remind myself constantly to slow down and just breathe.  Not everything can go according to plan and it’s not supposed to.

I was really hoping writing this was going to reveal how I feel about the royalty check to myself.  That’s why I sat down and started the finger tap dance but here I am feeling just about the same.  Shrugging.  Shrugged.  I like the word shrug, it’s fun.

Thank you for reading.  If you haven’t read the aforementioned poetry collections look upward, they are both sitting up under my fancy banner.


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