Impatient/I’m patient

It’s quiet.  The calm during the storm, in this case.  The wind can be heard blowing through the trees and disrupting whatever it can shake loose, like the recycle bin I have to chase every week.  I’m not a fan of how loud things can get unless we’re talking about music because music is meant to be loud.  Just about everything else shouldn’t be so loud, it’s a strain and that’s not good.  Sure some strain is necessary for growth but as far as I can see it should be minimal.

I think most people strain themselves and at the end of the day what do they have to show for it?  One step closer to the edge?  One more dollar in the bank account?  Worth is absolutely relative.  One man would break his back bending over to pick up a dropped dollar and another would walk right by it because those few seconds are too much to trade.  I am an odd creature, I’d rather spend 20 or so hours watching a lackluster season of television than gamble 2-3 hours on a movie that could be unsatisfying.  Yes I am aware that is an awkward statement.  I think the story telling potential is greater within the frame of a television show versus a movie.  2 hours are not enough to tell a truly compelling story on the level I want.  Movies have to be quick and there’s not enough time to feel the emotions that are being hopped over.  It’s about patience.  And today there’s no room for such a thing.

I’ve thought of myself as a patient person for quite a few years but I never treated myself with that same sort of patience.  Then I quit drinking and I was forced to learn how to really let myself off the hook.  There are trees that will be blown around and some will break under the pressure of this incoming blizzard.  A strong tree is only strong because of the years spent growing and like a tree I’ve developed branches I didn’t have years ago.  Patience isn’t something anyone is born with, it is learned behavior.

This patience of mine was really tested over the past few months.  I quit smoking and I wrote a book.  The two are connected in a way.  I never thought I’d be able to quit smoking because it was always used as an idea booster while writing.  Hit a road block?  Okay smoke break.  There were times I smoked more cigarettes than I wrote words in a singular hour spent writing a poem.  And to clarify, this book is not a novel but a novella.  We’re talking about 100-150 pages if printed in typical book manner.  The actual act of writing wasn’t exactly a difficult test of my patience, it’s this post-writing period that is.

I desperately want to talk about the story I’ve written and just share it all over the place but it is not finished.  Far from it.  I desperately want to finish it but I know it’s best for me to take a nice large step back from it.  It’s been about a month since I finished that first draft and I think I could get back into it and work on the second draft.  But a decent sized part of me knows it’s better to wait a little longer.  I know myself and I know that I don’t need to put pressure on myself.  Everyone else can rush around.  I’m happy with how things went last year.  I’m happy with what I wrote and I have plenty of exciting unwritten ideas bouncing around my head.

And I am happy you read this.  Thank you.  And if you’re interested, I have a short story you can read: DESERVE.  You can find it (PDF) under the Short Stories tab up top or in the recent posts to the left.


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