Five Years in a Flash – 01 Heart

Time flies. You know it and I know it.

For a couple weeks now, I’ve been thinking about how this month is the 5th anniversary of Taproot’s latest album—The Episodes. Five years. Whoa.

Immediately, I found myself recounting everything that has happened in my life since that day and since I’ve found some success being open and honest online in the past (yes, over the past 5 years) I figured I’d write this and really put all my thoughts together. There’s really a lot.

Five years ago, I was a different person and I can define that person with one sentence. It’s something I made a habit of saying especially when asked about when I would quit smoking.

“I don’t want to prolong this suffering called life.”

I absolutely believed that. I didn’t feel capable of anything of real value and merely existing is exhausting. It was around this time I came into contact with a few people that began to show me what I didn’t want from life. Like really really show me. Which was very important because it all prepared me and let me see, really see, what I wanted.

My girlfriend and I consider September 2012 our anniversary but it was before that. It was the summer that I knew she was different, rather what we were building was different. I had made note of her difference long before the summer broke in.

For most of my life, I was entranced by the idea of love. Everyone is so quick to use that word like it will make something out of nothing (Protip: It doesn’t). I think what I was feeling over those summer months was the arrival of love, real love. But to jump into using that word would have put me in the category of people I never want to be lopped in with.

I’ll never forget saying it for the first time. It just came out. There were moments that week that I had thought about saying it but… overthinking is a plague, man. When the words did touch my lips there were unexpected to both of us. It was September 2014, and I went to visit her. You see, we live on opposite sides of the world.  And yes we’re still a couple. Yes, we are going on five years. FIVE YEARS.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking.

There are marriages that don’t last that long. How can a long distance relationship last that long? An across the world relationship last that long? And I have a theory about that. It’s one word. But it’s a big one, I hope you’re sitting down.

COMMITMENT.

I know. I know. It’s scary and all that. At least you’re in good company, Chandler Bing was scared of commitment too.

So many people see love as the end-all. Like OMG I’M GONNA FALL IN LOVE AND… DONE! But no, it’s not that way. Just because you put a ring on the finger don’t mean its set in stone. Fingers get messy. All kinds of different ways.

To say: ‘I love you’ is a promise. It’s a statement too. But it’s nothing if you don’t put the period at the end of the sentence. If you’re ending it with a question mark, I guess you can’t be faulted for not committing. But in most cases, you put the period at the end, right? That’s the commitment part. The period. To place a period at the end of a statement is to say: ‘I commit to this sentence.’ Without a period, it’s just a really poor collage of words. How is it meant to be taken? Are we alive or just breathing?

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