There’s a desire for a clean slate
because the scars
Scream words we wish they wouldn’t
Instead of showing how far
We have travelled over the years
No I won’t drown in these tears
My mouth is firmly closed
Is there safety from the blows?
How can one, or even two, know?
Yesterday is right here, hanging on
Tomorrow seems like a distant myth
Today, somehow, runs and slows
It’s like speed pleads the fifth
and I truly just want to understand
How can life be both beautiful and bland?
Remember when it seemed impossible to survive?
Remember when it seemed pointless to even try?
I never thought I’d be living beyond twenty-five
Memory is a beached whale, eroding
Sometimes it just can’t be saved
Sometimes it is meant to be
Sometimes the taste of regret
is too much, it’s too much to forget
Sometimes the words hit like waves
Sometimes life is learning how to enjoy the daze
Tell me what the thoughts count for
They’re all looking at me
I’m discovered, standing exposed
and my eyes quiver
I’m trapped behind the hazy view
We all know what rhymes with hazy
You don’t have to say it
I already feel it and I’m terrified of that word
but I’ve shed the solutions I abused in response
BUT I’VE SHED THEM
Why don’t I feel better?
Why doesn’t it count?
Just the thought counts, just the thought
It’s no wonder I don’t like math
There’s too many thoughts that I must keep locked away
Secrete, I don’t want these secrets
Are they still lies if I know I’m being false?
Is it false if I’m making the choice to be fake to protect myself?
Am I the one making the thoughts count by writing them down?
I’m bruised and worn from doubt
Nauseous because I know I shouldn’t think the things I think
but what if I’m supposed to…
I can’t bring myself to finish that thought
but it lives there in the negative space
I live in the negative space
It’s impossible to shield my face
and most of the time I’m not sure that I have one
I know I’ve broken myself
Maybe it’s too harsh of a word but it seems right
It seems to fit and one can’t argue with puzzles
A corner is a corner
I opened the envelope and put it right in my desk drawer. I’m not sure how to feel about it at all. Part of me is saying that this should be some pivotal moment in my life but the rest of me is shrugging. I actually shrugged as I closed the drawer. Okay yes this was AFTER I tweeted a picture of it, but that was a quiet way of saying “Tell me how I should be feeling.”
A year ago I released My Enveloping Reflection, writing it was more satisfying than this morning’s envelope tearing. Figuring out how to put together the ebook file and finally succeeding was more of a fruitful experience. I felt more accomplished in just about every moment related to MER and the followup (Armorless and Afraid) than this one.
Both of the poetry collections were written to inspire MYSELF. I wrote these because I had to. I’m a better person because of the whole experience of writing and releasing them. I don’t look in the mirror with disgust and turn to bottle after bottle after bottle to fix my perception, to lift my spirits. Is everything perfect now? Definitely not. I did get more out of it than I ever expected. I really just wanted to write a collection of poetry that wasn’t just like I stapled a bunch of separate poems together and said VOILA COLLECTION. *slaps title on it* and *attaches cover*. Poetry is as lame as it is beautiful and brilliant. There’s always a thin line. Always and everywhere. I’m losing focus here…
I’m sure there’s many people out there who right from the jump want and expect to be paid for what they write. That’s not me. I’ve said all along that I would much rather people download the ebooks straight from me. FOR FREE. These poetry collections were about expression and being completely honest with myself. I’ve learned a lot about myself through these beginning steps of my new life. That’s what it feels like now, it’s not about regression or fear or anything else it’s about clarity and feeling in control of myself. For the most part. There’s always going to be ups and downs. The hardest part of sobriety is learning and practicing patience in regards to myself. Being patient with myself is difficult, I have to remind myself constantly to slow down and just breathe. Not everything can go according to plan and it’s not supposed to.
I was really hoping writing this was going to reveal how I feel about the royalty check to myself. That’s why I sat down and started the finger tap dance but here I am feeling just about the same. Shrugging. Shrugged. I like the word shrug, it’s fun.
Thank you for reading. If you haven’t read the aforementioned poetry collections look upward, they are both sitting up under my fancy banner.
The best people leave quicker than they came
They can’t stay, they have to go
They become the benchmark
And no one seems to measure up
It’s all pale and getting paler
Life, love, hope, dreams, goals
One after the other
Like a snowball rolling through the rusty and rotten
It’s supposed to happen another way
The white is meant to be a blank sheet
A canvas ready to be painted
A block of clay ready to be shaped
They say it is, they told me so
Why would they lie?
Then again they said a child…
They said bearing a child would heal me
That it would remake me
It hurt on the way out
And it hasn’t stopped, it never stops
I don’t have friends, I can’t find or make any
The ones that matter are so far away
Did they have to go because of me?
I don’t know, I can’t make sense of anything
The thing everyone said would help just won’t stop SCREAMING
I’m sure she’d leave if she was able
If she knew how to
Does she know I see her as a mistake?
A horrid screaming burden
I can’t hear myself think, I can’t hear anything
And all I want to hear is your voice
I missed your call, I live in chaos
It never stops, I’m never calm
Unless your voice is in my ear
I want to call you back but I just don’t know
Will you pick up or will I miss you?
Well I already miss you
I hope you won’t mind her screaming in the background
I wish I could put her in my background
Is that awful of me?
Am I a terrible mother?
A terrible person?
Is that why you HAD to go?
Is that why I’m all alone?
Is that why no one cares?
Isn’t there someone out there that cares?
There has to be, right?
I don’t know why I bother asking, everyone always lies
It’s all lies
Never ending lies
Never ending and deafening
Eyes open, all else closing
For a time, you’re all mine
We’re just waking but for most this is the middle
Twenty past two
I watch as your eyes open slowly
and you stretch
I can’t and I won’t hold back the smile
Don’t be nervous, wrap those arms around me
I’m here with you to be with you
and right now there’s nothing else in the world
It’s all quieted
Your breathing is the only sound I can hear
It’s the only sound I want to hear
When my brain drifts, it doesn’t drift far
I can’t escape you
I don’t want to
Days pass by like tiny droplets evaporating from a glass
You sit and let me brush your hair
While you put your makeup on
I don’t think you need it
but I’ve already told you that a few times
I see you glance at me through the mirror
Such soft soothing laughter
The brush falls from my hand and my lips find your rosy cheek
My arms wrap around the back of the chair
You feel right in my arms, no more moving
No more wanting, I have you
I fell for you some two years ago
and I finally have you where I want you
We’re no longer lost in long distance
You’re right here with me
I’m right here with you
Aleks, the sun is setting outside
Take my hand and walk beside me
We walk softly and slowly
There’s your laughter again
I’m shaking my leg around and hopping a little
There’s a rock in my shoe
No I don’t want to stop
Here with you every day is Saturday
There is no face I’d rather see
No better person I could dream of
We lay down in bed and I hold you tightly
Don’t worry your pretty head dear
I’ll be here when you wake up
We still have time together
Two weeks, for two weeks I’m all yours
No one else even exists to me
For two weeks you’re my whole world
For two weeks you are all there is
and when I go, promise that you won’t forget
I don’t want to forget this time with you
and I don’t want you to forget either
I write this before September
and I’m aware it could end up being different
Just know that there’s no one else that I’d travel five thousand miles for
Not another hug in the world I’d travel across the world for
No other eyes I’d travel five thousand miles to look into
I sit here writing this wishing you were here
Aleks my life feels better with you in it
and I can’t wait to see you
You belong on my mind and in my arms
I can’t wait to finally have the latter
I can’t wait to finally have you all to myself
The last time I stood there,
The rain was falling like my own tears
This is the closest I’ll ever be to you
This is the closest that I will ever be to you
After a few minutes I couldn’t tell my tears from raindrops
The tears shed for our common hurt
The raindrops fell for us that day
and that was the first time in months my mind was quiet
All the questions stopped spinning around my head
Though today they still remain
and I know they will always be there
It’s a result of the choice you made over three decades ago
and like that windshield my mind will never be cleaned
After the war, the one the history books remember,
We both know there were other wars that you fought
You didn’t come back the same
No, nothing was ever the same
When the guns and cannons ceased fire, others began firing
I wonder if they said it to your face
The way similar people said it mine
Did you believe what they had to say?
All I know is they took you and locked you away
I hope it wasn’t the way I imagine it to be
and I wish I could save you from that place
The way I was saved from a similar place
I hate the thought of them feeding you pills
Keeping that beautiful mind frozen in place
I wish I knew how you got out of there…
They say that birds of a feather flock together
Are you the reason I always thought I’d die at 25?
I’ve read the words that you wrote
and I’ve read the ones that Grandma Bea wrote
I wish I could travel back in time
and show you what she wrote about you, shortly before…
She wanted to hear from you, she loved talking to you on the phone
What were you doing those last few years?
Did you buy the gun specifically to end everything?
Was your sister’s wedding too much to bear
because of the girl you wrote about?
How long did you contemplate the choice before you pulled the trigger?
I am the nephew you probably never thought you’d have
and I’m already older than you allowed yourself to be
Your middle name is my first name
and I’m sure that I’m the only one who has visited you in years
Your brother and sisters continue to call you crazy
and I think it makes it easier for them
I’m sure you felt unloved but trust me that isn’t true
In our family, it’s frowned upon to be honest and show any real emotion
Which is probably why we both turned to writing it all down
I love you Uncle Brian but you stole from me
You are but you really could have been my favorite uncle
and you threw away the chance to find the joy that was waiting for you
I can’t begin to describe how my niece’s beautiful blue eyes make me feel
and she’s beginning to fumble around with my name
You missed out on all of that with me
You missed out on all of me
and I missed out on all of you
My mother still gets uneasy around Thanksgiving
Your mother didn’t cook the year you killed yourself
My mother tried to and I think that’s why she doesn’t like to cook
Over 30 years later and the hurt remains
I’m sorry it had to be this way
I’d give just about anything to talk to you and get to know you
You’re the reason I don’t completely curse this blood in my veins
If there is one person that I would get along with
and actually want to be around, it would be you
Years ago when I was much younger, your mother lit up when I asked about you
Even with all the hurt you caused her, she chose to remember you fondly
The choice you made, that bullet, it was a mistake
and no matter how much anyone wants to, it can’t be taken back
I do hope you found peace
but at the same time I want you to know the hurt you left behind
That bullet didn’t just put a hole in your head
It tore through every single person that cared for you
You put it in yourself and now it’s lodged in all of us
and it can’t be removed, it will always be inside of us
There are multiple holes here
I just want the complete story
I just want to know you
Like the way it feels that you know me
Are you really watching over me?
Would it be so bad to swallow the shards?
Would I even feel the blood run down my throat?
I’m the one making this hard
and I’m the one keeping myself afloat
Two hands, two ways to go and I don’t have to dwell in this rut
I am all in day to day, does any choice leave the door shut?
I’ve taken the space between in and dependence
and put it to better use
It’s strange stepping off of the fence
I feel better and I see how much I have to lose
I have to remind myself that I’m not the only one
Finding it difficult to forget the damage already done
What if the fear of being left behind is false
and we’ve just taken a wrong turn?
It’s difficult when I want to run and the truth crawls
but I’m giving myself space to grow and learn
My mistakes never lacked direction
I just struggle with the appreciation
In my mind it’s like I’ve reached a clearing
I’ve taken hold of flaws and begun engineering
and the sounds beckon from below, I am hearing
Though sometimes it’s difficult to pay attention
Sometimes it feels like I’ve put myself on suspension
but no this is something else, this is reinvention
With so much underlying tension
I know the grass isn’t as green as it could be
but I’m not blind to how far I’ve come, I can see
It’s all right here, surrounding me
The image of what I could be, what I have been
Fading silhouettes staring in chagrin
but they don’t understand all that I hold within
Perhaps that’s part of it, I hold
and I put too much weight in what I’m told
Sometimes I think I should let myself fold
Then again I’ve done things for all them before
and look where it got me: addicted and sore
Until I decided to stare into the mirror and explore…
I’m starting to think no one can ever be truly independent
It’s simply the human wanting and wishing to be ascendant