Follow Me Through A Daydream

Eyes open, all else closing
For a time, you’re all mine

We’re just waking but for most this is the middle
Twenty past two
I watch as your eyes open slowly
and you stretch
I can’t and I won’t hold back the smile
Don’t be nervous, wrap those arms around me
I’m here with you to be with you
and right now there’s nothing else in the world
It’s all quieted
Your breathing is the only sound I can hear
It’s the only sound I want to hear
When my brain drifts, it doesn’t drift far
I can’t escape you
I don’t want to

Days pass by like tiny droplets evaporating from a glass
You sit and let me brush your hair
While you put your makeup on
I don’t think you need it
but I’ve already told you that a few times
I see you glance at me through the mirror
Such soft soothing laughter
The brush falls from my hand and my lips find your rosy cheek
Left cheek
My arms wrap around the back of the chair
You feel right in my arms, no more moving
No more wanting, I have you
I fell for you some two years ago
and I finally have you where I want you
We’re no longer lost in long distance
You’re right here with me
I’m right here with you

Aleks, the sun is setting outside
Take my hand and walk beside me
Interlocked tenderness
We walk softly and slowly
There’s your laughter again
I’m shaking my leg around and hopping a little
There’s a rock in my shoe
No I don’t want to stop
Here with you every day is Saturday
There is no face I’d rather see
No better person I could dream of

We lay down in bed and I hold you tightly
Don’t worry your pretty head dear
I’ll be here when you wake up
We still have time together
Two weeks, for two weeks I’m all yours
No one else even exists to me
For two weeks you’re my whole world
For two weeks you are all there is
and when I go, promise that you won’t forget
I don’t want to forget this time with you
and I don’t want you to forget either

I write this before September
and I’m aware it could end up being different
Just know that there’s no one else that I’d travel five thousand miles for
Not another hug in the world I’d travel across the world for
No other eyes I’d travel five thousand miles to look into
I sit here writing this wishing you were here
Aleks my life feels better with you in it
and I can’t wait to see you
You belong on my mind and in my arms
I can’t wait to finally have the latter
I can’t wait to finally have you all to myself

This Heart Is A Gunshot Wound

The last time I stood there,
The rain was falling like my own tears
This is the closest I’ll ever be to you
This is the closest that I will ever be to you
After a few minutes I couldn’t tell my tears from raindrops
The tears shed for our common hurt
The raindrops fell for us that day
and that was the first time in months my mind was quiet
All the questions stopped spinning around my head
Though today they still remain
and I know they will always be there
It’s a result of the choice you made over three decades ago
and like that windshield my mind will never be cleaned

After the war, the one the history books remember,
We both know there were other wars that you fought
You didn’t come back the same
No, nothing was ever the same
When the guns and cannons ceased fire, others began firing
I wonder if they said it to your face
The way similar people said it mine
Did you believe what they had to say?
All I know is they took you and locked you away
I hope it wasn’t the way I imagine it to be
and I wish I could save you from that place
The way I was saved from a similar place
I hate the thought of them feeding you pills
Keeping that beautiful mind frozen in place
I wish I knew how you got out of there…

They say that birds of a feather flock together
Are you the reason I always thought I’d die at 25?
I’ve read the words that you wrote
and I’ve read the ones that Grandma Bea wrote
I wish I could travel back in time
and show you what she wrote about you, shortly before…
She wanted to hear from you, she loved talking to you on the phone
What were you doing those last few years?
Did you buy the gun specifically to end everything?
Was your sister’s wedding too much to bear
because of the girl you wrote about?
How long did you contemplate the choice before you pulled the trigger?

I am the nephew you probably never thought you’d have
and I’m already older than you allowed yourself to be
Your middle name is my first name
and I’m sure that I’m the only one who has visited you in years
Your brother and sisters continue to call you crazy
and I think it makes it easier for them
I’m sure you felt unloved but trust me that isn’t true
In our family, it’s frowned upon to be honest and show any real emotion
Which is probably why we both turned to writing it all down

I love you Uncle Brian but you stole from me
You are but you really could have been my favorite uncle
and you threw away the chance to find the joy that was waiting for you
I can’t begin to describe how my niece’s beautiful blue eyes make me feel
and she’s beginning to fumble around with my name
You missed out on all of that with me
You missed out on all of me
and I missed out on all of you
My mother still gets uneasy around Thanksgiving
Your mother didn’t cook the year you killed yourself
My mother tried to and I think that’s why she doesn’t like to cook
Over 30 years later and the hurt remains
I’m sorry it had to be this way
I’d give just about anything to talk to you and get to know you
You’re the reason I don’t completely curse this blood in my veins
If there is one person that I would get along with
and actually want to be around, it would be you

Years ago when I was much younger, your mother lit up when I asked about you
Even with all the hurt you caused her, she chose to remember you fondly
The choice you made, that bullet, it was a mistake
and no matter how much anyone wants to, it can’t be taken back
I do hope you found peace
but at the same time I want you to know the hurt you left behind
That bullet didn’t just put a hole in your head
It tore through every single person that cared for you
You put it in yourself and now it’s lodged in all of us
and it can’t be removed, it will always be inside of us

There are multiple holes here
I just want the complete story
I just want to know you
Like the way it feels that you know me
Are you really watching over me?

Spacebar

Would it be so bad to swallow the shards?
Would I even feel the blood run down my throat?
I’m the one making this hard
and I’m the one keeping myself afloat
Two hands, two ways to go and I don’t have to dwell in this rut
I am all in day to day, does any choice leave the door shut?

I’ve taken the space between in and dependence
and put it to better use
It’s strange stepping off of the fence
I feel better and I see how much I have to lose
I have to remind myself that I’m not the only one
Finding it difficult to forget the damage already done

What if the fear of being left behind is false
and we’ve just taken a wrong turn?
It’s difficult when I want to run and the truth crawls
but I’m giving myself space to grow and learn
My mistakes never lacked direction
I just struggle with the appreciation

In my mind it’s like I’ve reached a clearing
I’ve taken hold of flaws and begun engineering
and the sounds beckon from below, I am hearing
Though sometimes it’s difficult to pay attention
Sometimes it feels like I’ve put myself on suspension
but no this is something else, this is reinvention
With so much underlying tension
I know the grass isn’t as green as it could be
but I’m not blind to how far I’ve come, I can see
It’s all right here, surrounding me
The image of what I could be, what I have been
Fading silhouettes staring in chagrin
but they don’t understand all that I hold within
Perhaps that’s part of it, I hold
and I put too much weight in what I’m told
Sometimes I think I should let myself fold
Then again I’ve done things for all them before
and look where it got me: addicted and sore
Until I decided to stare into the mirror and explore…

I’m starting to think no one can ever be truly independent
It’s simply the human wanting and wishing to be ascendant

In Eyesight, My Light

There’s something I see in your eyes
Like a message that just can’t find its way into words
Like an invisible object dancing on the air
There’s a feeling felt that surpasses words
It is more than any words could describe
and I don’t want to put a word to it

People talk of wonders of the world
As if nothing can compare
That’s what you are to me

and sometimes I feel like other things in my world
Are losing the glow that they once had
The Earth is spinning around the Sun
No it won’t break from its axis
and like the Earth I’m fixated
and like the Sun you shine so bright
Forget for a second that this is poetry
and believe me when I say that you can break through the clouds
The things and the people that cover your light
I am a better version of myself than I was when you came in
I am better because of how you’ve shown me the way I look in your eyes
Those beautiful eyes
Those enchanting eyes of yours
Keep those eyes on me

Valuable Verbs

Let me be
Let me breathe
Their words feel like hands
Coarse hands wrapped around my throat
and their eyes are the fingernails
Neglected filthy fingernails dug into my skin
My ears are susceptible and sensitive
and my mind focuses in on the replay button
Even though I am fully aware their words have no meaning
It’s the equivalent of passing gas
Just a sound to notify ears that something nasty lurks
Except most believe their words are
more like those flashing signs that read APPLAUSE

We all want that praise
So desperate for recognition
Stringing any words, any old words together
The weather becomes a victim of our need to agree
and all those silly stereotypes are strewn across the floor
Like numbers written on the pavement
Step forward into the hopscotching small talk
but all your joking makes me think of another use for that chalk
Wait… was that too much?

Kill the useless words, leave nothing left of them
but you see, the words aren’t inherently useless
You make them that way
Have you ever felt useless?
That’s how the words feel when they touch the tip of your tongue
and I wonder how you feel when I don’t acknowledge your words
You must think they are all so invaluable
My ears don’t agree, they’ll never agree

I much rather waste my breath on a cigarette
Than speak the words I would like to speak
Because too many are far too busy listening to themselves
and I will always be wishing for them to swallow their words
Yes there are a select few I wish would choke
I find it strange how those with unwavering confidence
are the ones that waste it

Though the road will be difficult, I believe I can sew the seams of my hopes and dreams

My mind is always focused on a distant land
It’s both a metaphoric escape from the bland
and an actual place on this planet
I wish I there was a way to plan it
but the truth is it is all uncertain
I wish it could be a blanket instead of a curtain

It’s not about what is deserved
So many lines are always getting blurred
I dream of a life that could be earned
and on this path I find there’s much to be learned
I’m such a fragile person and oh so lazy
and I know most would just call me crazy
but that word is used when understanding is lost
Because it takes effort and it’s too steep of a cost
For most of the talking heads I see around me
but it’s not difficult to see what has found me
She’d disagree but she is incredible
and I intend to make it all more than a fable
because it absolutely is more than that
I swear I am learning from the times I’ve fallen flat

Often I find my head in the clouds
Sometimes the voices ring out so loud
and they turn things dark and dreary
When I know I can focus on thinking clearly
The truth is I let too much inside
and every time I feel like I die
A little bit more than the last
but it brightens just as fast
There is strength that is all mine
but often it is hard to find
Difficult to realize the truth of it all
Someone tell me why is it so easy to fall?
I’ve spent so much of my life chasing the easy way
but lately I find myself working towards a better day

The other distant land is this right here
The words you’re reading, the ones I fear
that will never reach the point I want them to
but I’m not sure there’s any other things I could do
I want to make a big splash and earn this dream
but my current life dims the light I want to beam
It’s not so easy balancing everything I want to balance
I get lost in my head, drowning in my own trance
Dealing can be difficult and draining
Too many people are extremely straining
The way I approach things needs to be rectified
and changed so I can bring out what is inside

in the breeze of anxieties

A disease, terminally touched down
Wildfires forcing the fleeing of
wildlife unto the uncharted
From seeds into full-fledged trees
Overflowing forests causing confusion, preventing the singing
from flocks of varying birds,
now overwhelmed like the undertow of the distant ocean
Unable to pick a tree, to find a branch
How can anyone expect them to pick a song to sing today?
The sounds of their fluttering wings, tree to tree
and branch to branch
It is all lost in the breeze and the swaying
trees seem to mock them

Watch as the worried looks appear
within the thick outer skin of these trees
What if the birds start singing and bring forth
the buzz saws or the match strikes?
Their bark begins to howl out of their unwarranted worry and sorrow
They are mourning what still lives
They are mourning what still exists
There are no signs of anything different coming
There are no intruding or deafening footsteps
Safety surrounds these towers
but why can they not see?
Is it possible they smell the stench
flowing from the fluttering wings?

Standing firm while bleeding and barely breathing
The creators of oxygen are struggling
Or are they?
But who are they?
It can’t be only trees blowing in the breeze
Shaking before a sneeze
There is a haunting disease
Like the buzzing of bees
Complete with a physical sting
Making nothing into something
Say hello and scream goodbye
Bring it down and leave it high
The only option left is to try
and keep trying,
it’s passing, it is dying
Yes it is dying!

The Birth of Axis

How could she be like that?
I did as she asked, I’m walking aimlessly
Replaying it all over and over
The street lights flicker, I expect the light to fade out
She was so great to me…
My Connie, she said she loved that
but I suppose nothing lasts forever

“It’s time to say, I’m sick of you.
I’ve had it, I’m tired of this indecision
No longer can I be your sky so blue
I have to cut you away with one incision.”

She was right, I feel like I’m bleeding
Without her I’m just like a starless sky
A city with no power, she was…
No she IS my light
I realize now that life is nothing more
Than an invisible line
All we have is a tightrope to tread
A fence line with forces on either side
Pulling and pushing, it’s all never-ending nonsense
I feel like a tree trapped in winter
I know I am alive but I’m cold
and there’s no real sign of life
CONNIE, my love I’d give it all
I just want to shine beneath your light

“No don’t you dare say a word.
I’m exhausted and unable to be your possession
Do you know you’re just absurd?
It’s overwhelming being your one obsession.”

I wish I could have asked her
All the reasons why
but I just have to accept that I’m wrong
Her light, her presence is all that’s right
The rest of the world is fucking wrong
I hate being just another face
Just another incorrect insignificant imbecile

“Who the hell wants to be your one thing?
I’m just done, fucking finished.  It’s over.
Turn around and find yourself a new song to sing.
Your love is like a drug and now I’m sober.”

Rounding another corner, stumbling through the memories
These quiet streets I wander are perfect partners
To the dark lifeless mental roads
and I wonder why those pills haven’t done a damn thing
I swallowed the whole lot, I expect to fall flat
On the punished pavement pounding at my feet
Or is it the other way around?
and why are these streets so silent?
For once I actually want to hear the city’s song
Perhaps I am dreaming a dangerous dream
Feels as if the city is focused elsewhere
It’s a big place, I wonder where everyone is
Perhaps there’s something happening on the other side?
and like that it’s almost like the city answers…
I hear a siren fade in and then out
Is it possible every siren has died?
A more prominent answer slowly develops
and overcomes my free will
I’ve never seen it in this light

“So just go, walk fast
Our lines no longer intersect
I’ll never say I had a blast
You are nothing but another regret”

Her deadly words, my darling
She led me here to this awing architecture
It’s nestled nicely within the darkness
The lonely street lamp falls a mere five paces ahead
If it’s a warning, it goes on ignored
Dead center now, the view from the ledge is so lovely
On a night like this will I even make a sound?
A grumpy voice calls out:
So what if you die?
You’re only a sugar high.
What? Is someone there?
Yes I’m the voice of the unfair
Reach out and catch more air
You’re out of breath, look to your left
I am the one ushering in your death.
I look to see a creature
What kind of insanity is this?
Wait, it’s one of the stoic statues
Okay fine, I’m a gargoyle
I’m here to either fulfill or foil
It’s really all up to you, stranger
So… you’re too frightened to face her?
Hey, I’m only doing what she asked!
No need to get snippy, just relax
I’m here to help one way or another
So which will it be tonight brother?
It’s rather simple, will you end with a leap
Or do you think your life is worthy to keep?

*Some Time Later*

It’s been hours and she hasn’t slept
Every time she shuts her eyes
His face flashes like an audience applause indicator
Except this flashing sign reads: Torment
There’s only one thing for her to do…

The silent streets whisper a haunting sound
Which offers her zero relief
As she closes in on his street
A flashing precursor fully awakens her
She’s no longer experiencing the drowsy decay
and as the lights and the accompanying racket
Pass by swiftly, her eyes snap back
Another light now fills her view
An uncontrollable gasp echoes out of her mouth
His residence… now only flames
and it’s well beyond saving, though the responders still try
She’s beside herself and forgets to control the car
The ambulance serves as a crashing reminder

Write and Wrong

The words, the ones softly spoken
Often are mistakenly thoughtless
and I’ve said it a lot:
The road from my mind to my mouth
Was never finished, the bridge is out
Perhaps it’s a crutch
I’m sure it comes off that way
It just feels better to write,
to be… isolated

Does this make me less than I should be?
The words seem to make more sense
When I write them all down
I come alive upon the page
and the rest of the time
I wither in the shadows

I’m heartfelt and vibrant, alive on the page
I’m cold and emotionless in person
like calculating machinery, going through the motions
because I’m afraid
and persecution seems to live and linger everywhere
I am alive but I refuse to be lively
They are out to get me
Every last one of you
Nothing feels as it should
If confidence is something given at birth
It surely was drained and stolen from me

These ups and downs I wade through
are less frequent nowadays and significantly deeper
I suppose that’s stability laced with clarity
Sobriety, I believe, is a war
Between restoration and regression

Autumn

A drill bit could end the bullshit
A pair of scissors could erase the blisters
A razor blade could phase or fade
but why am I thinking this?
Is happiness a sinking kiss?
just enough to please and seize
We are all just trees in the breeze
Feelings are our leaves, coming then going
Rarely we allow our colors out for showing

Don’t mistake this for suicidal
The curious wondering is natural
Some seek out light at the end of the tunnel
I’m only trying to find faith in myself
Dwelling on all that I’ve ever felt
and trying to discover more about me
and alleviate my mind so I may see clearly

There’s a lot left, I’m not looking to die
Sometimes it’s difficult to find the will to try
Sometimes I can’t find the tears I wish to cry
and if I can be honest: deep inside
I know that life is not to be denied
There’s a lot left to witness and to be tried
There’s many of my colors yet to be flown
and so much I haven’t done and haven’t shown

E is for Emotions and A is for Aligned

Will you..
Write me words in the waves
Satisfy all that I can crave
Whisper softly “please behave”
Please hold me so I can’t fade

Emotions rhymes with oceans
We can surf them together
Emotion rhymes with devotion
We can hold no matter the weather
At least that’s the belief inside of me
The one I hold on to, the one I want to see

So please, come dance with me in my dreams
As one, we are together somewhere inbetween
Awake and asleep, or so it seems
Behind my eyes my belief beams
and shines like the aurora of your life
and it’s bright like my heart’s light

We are lighthouses aligned
though most won’t ever… they will never see
They are all too blind
and severely unkind
It feels as if we’re beyond their definitions of reality