A Different Shade of Blue

Believe me, I’d like to be more confident
If only it was as easy as flipping a switch
But when everyone looks at me like I’m crazy
I find it pointless to share a word
Why speak a single syllable?
I say it’s easier to write things down
But is that just an excuse?
I can tell from the look in your eye
That there is something wrong with me
But you see, I don’t feel wrong
Yes I know I’m an outsider
It does feel okay most of the time
It’s just sometimes…
I wish I didn’t feel so alone
but saying that just opens me up to shallow sympathies
So I swallow my thoughts and then dump them on a page
Thank you to the trees that died for me

Silently, I do think there’s too much talking
And no one is really saying anything
There’s too much noise, this world is too loud
I don’t belong, I don’t want to scream and fight with anyone
Is the silent road, the high road?
I see anger as an all consuming fire
And it’s done burning me alive
I don’t have any appetite for wine
With or without the letter H

As the years turn and burn away
I’m left with a lot
As the years pass I see I’m less and less
Like my parents
As the years flutter and fly away
These blood ties feel more and more like a noose
As the years flee and fade
I feel as though I’m growing too slowly
As the years are carried away from me
I see the color of my eyes dull

Time well spent is water that quenches my thirst
and often I spend it like I have an endless supply
Those results are not the best
but the subtle shade of blue in my eyes says
The good does out weigh the poor
and I’m richer than I was a year ago

Once Again, I See That This Is Medicinal

Above, the moon’s slightly slivered
but the light’s still brightly delivered
Discovering another day now ended
An actual good day stands befriended
Perhaps concluded would be a better word
Tonight there’s no inner chaos loud enough to be heard
Once again the truth’s light I’ve found
Sometimes I’m stuck with my eyes down
The illusion believed but these walls that surround
Are actually not crashing in on me
and again it feels like the first time I can see
I’m contemplating something new this time
Perhaps I truly need this cycle of mine
All the torture and the day dreams of horrid crimes
The problem is how to decide when to realign
and of course how to find the energy for these lines
I see that I can and will be weak
but that doesn’t mean I’ll break my streak
As long as I’m aware and I fear the relapse
I know I’ll find how to step back and relax
There’s always a reason to keep trying
and there’s always another person lying
If only I could stop seeing it all as surprising
When the sun sets, the moon is rising
The light fades and darkness surrounds
but the dark too shall fade, the moon also falls down
I’m not stuck living through hollow nights
and when I’m shrouded and my chest gets tight
I just have to remind myself that I’m still breathing
and tell myself that like happiness, sadness is fleeting
As long as my lungs, my heart, my mind all maintain
Then I can find how to steady the strain

Today if you find yourself wallowing
I’ll leave these words here, primed for swallowing
Not to say that they should be what you’re following
I just mean who wants to add to another’s hollowing?
We all know that the world has enough jack-o-lanterns
I’ll do what I can to make sure the fire in my heart burns
No need to tread on another, just do what works for you
We all feel false sometimes but that does not mean we are untrue

A Scythe of Life

Another mourning
I am here, permanently reeling
For and from your reaping
Though you probably cannot hear me
and probably don’t care to
Your sinister slashing scythe swings
Down upon us all, eventually
No real rhyme or reason

When will the air I breathe be cut away?
I would like to know: why?
How do you decide who gets it and when they do?
When we meet will there be a dialog?
Or do you just hide beneath your cloak?

I hear and read different stories daily
The noble and genuinely good are removed
Their families mourn and suffer
but I’ve heard one can only mourn their own
Aren’t we all connected?
My heart burns and breaks for all
If that’s wrong I don’t want to be right
Perhaps mourn is the wrong word…
I do feel for everyone and wonder about all

Reading about a true hero you claimed
and I wonder why must the good be taken?
While the corrupt continue on
The days pass and I watch helplessly
As everything slowly deteriorates
Hearts grow colder, fast approaching below freezing
Skin roughens to that of sand paper
Touch me, my skin is cold
but inside I am on fire

You’re standing before me now
No words are spoken
You lift your hand and slowly pull down your hood
The face of my misdeeds stares back at me
but this is no fun house mirror
Death has come for me and the face that I see
Is my own
Yet altered and disfigured
My features soiled by all my mistakes and evil actions
I am a soul stained
With your palm upward you reach towards me
Your booming replication of my voice commands:
  Your journey is complete, it’s time to go.
  Take my hand.
I stand tall without a second thought, I reply
  No. I am not finished.
  No. I haven’t found it yet.
  I will not leave with you.
Through resistance, a realization overcomes me
He lies, where is the scythe?
and right in front of my eyes
He twists and turns violently before he fades away
Where he once stood, his presence replaced with a shower of light
Blinding and blasting me, bathed in grace
The truth is illuminated
My inner evil once again vanquished
The light and the strength within is valiant
Shown the way by my guardian angel
Lifted by her grace
Another battle won and my spirit shines

Invalid Imagery

Seems to me that there’s a fine line…
Appears like my strengths are my weaknesses
I know the sky’s the limit
and I’m learning my own limits
I’ve discovered I can’t floor every pedal
The sharp edges of metal
Are dangerous, the shimmer fools

Misled by the image of what could have been
Words form a rope and tighten
but I never meant to suffocate
Following flesh is like believing fairy tales
The words I said, the ones I sent
Never added to the rope
Only the negative words were believed
I’m too good to be true
and I see the worthlessness I once held high
I’m not above, I’m just parallel
No outlet, no crossing
Apparently building a bridge was too much
I’ve set my portion ablaze

Now the smoke has faded
All that is left is a faint longing
but it’s incorrect
I am only seeing what I wished for
Only the illusions that came along

The sun surrendered to the clouds
Thunder crashed and broke through
and the resulting disgust was but a disguise
A blessing, this validation of my strength
While I found myself surrounded by the invalid
I’m able and I know for sure
That I am real
and I’m learning to cease the assumptions

I just have to remind myself
That these images I see every now and again
Are figments of my imagination
I painted the picture
Took hold of the piece and placed it upon the board
My mind created a vivid rendition of my desires
The desperation within took hold
and my emotions decided to play God

It’s not the end
Well not the end of me
Just a stepping stone
Another rung on life’s ladder
I’m taller now, I’m stronger now
I’m learning to alter and adjust things
The faith I have shouldn’t be outsourced
Without a reason, only when there’s a reason
I have a reason, there’s plenty of evidence