in the breeze of anxieties

A disease, terminally touched down
Wildfires forcing the fleeing of
wildlife unto the uncharted
From seeds into full-fledged trees
Overflowing forests causing confusion, preventing the singing
from flocks of varying birds,
now overwhelmed like the undertow of the distant ocean
Unable to pick a tree, to find a branch
How can anyone expect them to pick a song to sing today?
The sounds of their fluttering wings, tree to tree
and branch to branch
It is all lost in the breeze and the swaying
trees seem to mock them

Watch as the worried looks appear
within the thick outer skin of these trees
What if the birds start singing and bring forth
the buzz saws or the match strikes?
Their bark begins to howl out of their unwarranted worry and sorrow
They are mourning what still lives
They are mourning what still exists
There are no signs of anything different coming
There are no intruding or deafening footsteps
Safety surrounds these towers
but why can they not see?
Is it possible they smell the stench
flowing from the fluttering wings?

Standing firm while bleeding and barely breathing
The creators of oxygen are struggling
Or are they?
But who are they?
It can’t be only trees blowing in the breeze
Shaking before a sneeze
There is a haunting disease
Like the buzzing of bees
Complete with a physical sting
Making nothing into something
Say hello and scream goodbye
Bring it down and leave it high
The only option left is to try
and keep trying,
it’s passing, it is dying
Yes it is dying!

The Birth of Axis

How could she be like that?
I did as she asked, I’m walking aimlessly
Replaying it all over and over
The street lights flicker, I expect the light to fade out
She was so great to me…
My Connie, she said she loved that
but I suppose nothing lasts forever

“It’s time to say, I’m sick of you.
I’ve had it, I’m tired of this indecision
No longer can I be your sky so blue
I have to cut you away with one incision.”

She was right, I feel like I’m bleeding
Without her I’m just like a starless sky
A city with no power, she was…
No she IS my light
I realize now that life is nothing more
Than an invisible line
All we have is a tightrope to tread
A fence line with forces on either side
Pulling and pushing, it’s all never-ending nonsense
I feel like a tree trapped in winter
I know I am alive but I’m cold
and there’s no real sign of life
CONNIE, my love I’d give it all
I just want to shine beneath your light

“No don’t you dare say a word.
I’m exhausted and unable to be your possession
Do you know you’re just absurd?
It’s overwhelming being your one obsession.”

I wish I could have asked her
All the reasons why
but I just have to accept that I’m wrong
Her light, her presence is all that’s right
The rest of the world is fucking wrong
I hate being just another face
Just another incorrect insignificant imbecile

“Who the hell wants to be your one thing?
I’m just done, fucking finished.  It’s over.
Turn around and find yourself a new song to sing.
Your love is like a drug and now I’m sober.”

Rounding another corner, stumbling through the memories
These quiet streets I wander are perfect partners
To the dark lifeless mental roads
and I wonder why those pills haven’t done a damn thing
I swallowed the whole lot, I expect to fall flat
On the punished pavement pounding at my feet
Or is it the other way around?
and why are these streets so silent?
For once I actually want to hear the city’s song
Perhaps I am dreaming a dangerous dream
Feels as if the city is focused elsewhere
It’s a big place, I wonder where everyone is
Perhaps there’s something happening on the other side?
and like that it’s almost like the city answers…
I hear a siren fade in and then out
Is it possible every siren has died?
A more prominent answer slowly develops
and overcomes my free will
I’ve never seen it in this light

“So just go, walk fast
Our lines no longer intersect
I’ll never say I had a blast
You are nothing but another regret”

Her deadly words, my darling
She led me here to this awing architecture
It’s nestled nicely within the darkness
The lonely street lamp falls a mere five paces ahead
If it’s a warning, it goes on ignored
Dead center now, the view from the ledge is so lovely
On a night like this will I even make a sound?
A grumpy voice calls out:
So what if you die?
You’re only a sugar high.
What? Is someone there?
Yes I’m the voice of the unfair
Reach out and catch more air
You’re out of breath, look to your left
I am the one ushering in your death.
I look to see a creature
What kind of insanity is this?
Wait, it’s one of the stoic statues
Okay fine, I’m a gargoyle
I’m here to either fulfill or foil
It’s really all up to you, stranger
So… you’re too frightened to face her?
Hey, I’m only doing what she asked!
No need to get snippy, just relax
I’m here to help one way or another
So which will it be tonight brother?
It’s rather simple, will you end with a leap
Or do you think your life is worthy to keep?

*Some Time Later*

It’s been hours and she hasn’t slept
Every time she shuts her eyes
His face flashes like an audience applause indicator
Except this flashing sign reads: Torment
There’s only one thing for her to do…

The silent streets whisper a haunting sound
Which offers her zero relief
As she closes in on his street
A flashing precursor fully awakens her
She’s no longer experiencing the drowsy decay
and as the lights and the accompanying racket
Pass by swiftly, her eyes snap back
Another light now fills her view
An uncontrollable gasp echoes out of her mouth
His residence… now only flames
and it’s well beyond saving, though the responders still try
She’s beside herself and forgets to control the car
The ambulance serves as a crashing reminder

Write and Wrong

The words, the ones softly spoken
Often are mistakenly thoughtless
and I’ve said it a lot:
The road from my mind to my mouth
Was never finished, the bridge is out
Perhaps it’s a crutch
I’m sure it comes off that way
It just feels better to write,
to be… isolated

Does this make me less than I should be?
The words seem to make more sense
When I write them all down
I come alive upon the page
and the rest of the time
I wither in the shadows

I’m heartfelt and vibrant, alive on the page
I’m cold and emotionless in person
like calculating machinery, going through the motions
because I’m afraid
and persecution seems to live and linger everywhere
I am alive but I refuse to be lively
They are out to get me
Every last one of you
Nothing feels as it should
If confidence is something given at birth
It surely was drained and stolen from me

These ups and downs I wade through
are less frequent nowadays and significantly deeper
I suppose that’s stability laced with clarity
Sobriety, I believe, is a war
Between restoration and regression

Autumn

A drill bit could end the bullshit
A pair of scissors could erase the blisters
A razor blade could phase or fade
but why am I thinking this?
Is happiness a sinking kiss?
just enough to please and seize
We are all just trees in the breeze
Feelings are our leaves, coming then going
Rarely we allow our colors out for showing

Don’t mistake this for suicidal
The curious wondering is natural
Some seek out light at the end of the tunnel
I’m only trying to find faith in myself
Dwelling on all that I’ve ever felt
and trying to discover more about me
and alleviate my mind so I may see clearly

There’s a lot left, I’m not looking to die
Sometimes it’s difficult to find the will to try
Sometimes I can’t find the tears I wish to cry
and if I can be honest: deep inside
I know that life is not to be denied
There’s a lot left to witness and to be tried
There’s many of my colors yet to be flown
and so much I haven’t done and haven’t shown

Vampirism

She was the one with the threat
The one burning herself with regrets
She said “I have the blade in my hand”
Playing present tense when it was just a plan
She wanted it so bad and I was THE April fool
There was a cut but not flesh, she became flushed stool
We were walking, trying to balance on the tightrope
of all our lies, oblivious to the slippery slope

In hindsight, there is no fog
The truth is I got exactly what I sought out
I wanted to hurt, I wanted pain
Be careful what you wish for, is a cliche no doubt
but it’s stone cold advice too

I could make a list of all my mistakes
but it’s better to remember the lessons learned
There’s too many that are immune to wooden stakes
Some are out to drain and laugh as emotions are burned
Vampires belong on well drawn pages placed in crates
Watch as fictional folks are bled and turned

There may not be closure, I’m here picking at the wound
I was torn down swiftly and shown how to bloom
You see, I was confused it wasn’t a wall it was a door
She’s a skeleton now but still she rhymes with sore
She took her fictional blade and cut away parts of me
You could say it’s a bit of a rebirth, I became new
and I was shown something, I found something better
Amazing how it still blows me away how much better
You see, there’s this star in my sky shining so bright
Though not blinding, still a powerful pleasant light

Envisioning Eyes of A Soldier Part 2: Salutations

Another sleepless night, why do I even bother
To try to sleep? The ceiling haunts me
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?
I miss the sight of distant muzzle flashes
I need that night light
Home is where the heart is and I left…
I lost pieces of my heart in that distant land
Every bullet that missed my flesh stole a little of me
Stop, please stop calling me a hero
I am not, the red you see is not a cape
It’s the blood of my brothers
The rotten red hurt that stains my hands
and covers my eyes
They didn’t make it home, I didn’t come back the same
I am not the same
I will never be the same again
I don’t remember what it was like before

Should I be thankful?
I know what real friendship is
Those men, my brothers, were the only ones
Who ever truly had my back
Home is about safety, I don’t feel safe
They gave their lives
Their blood stained and dried upon my hands
Though my hands are clean now, I still see the red
All I can see is red
Did they die so I could make it back alive?
but I don’t want to live without them
They had families, they had rings on their fingers
and all I have is emptiness
My father says he is proud
but it doesn’t feel good
I’m sorry father but it just doesn’t feel right
I’m sorry mother I just don’t feel right
This barrel is cold against my burning skin
and it fits snugly against my temple
My finger slides in the guard and graces the trigger
Just one deep breath and then squeeze
Ready… inhale
Before I can exhale the phone rings
and I can’t ignore the sound

I can feel the tears that are flowing down her face
Like an ocean wave passing through sonically
My ears seem far away as they’re drowned by
The sound of a mother’s sorrow
Her only son, my last brother,
One of the strongest men I’ve ever known…
Oh my brothers, war brought us together
and war destroyed us all

Within the sound of the three-volley
I can’t hold back the tears
and I realize what you have done for me
Even though you’re gone, you still have my back
You’ve always had my back
It wasn’t the phone call that saved me
No it was you
and I wish I could explain it all to your mother
You didn’t take your own life because you’re weak
You’ve always been strong
Not many would be able to understand what it’s like
to feel betrayed by your own mind
Brother, you did the only thing you could
You saved my life again
My brothers I know you’re still looking out for me
and I see now that I am meant to live
There’s no blood on my hands
It’s not my fault that you died
It’s because of you, all of you, that I am alive
and the safety I was longing to have still exists
Your strength and courage and love keeps my heart beating
Brotherhood means everything
and nothing can take it away from me
Nothing and no one can take you away from me
The rifle salute concludes
and I see that honoring all of you doesn’t end
Every breath I take, every step I make can be used to honor you
My life is a tribute to you, my brothers
I am a tribute and I will stand tall

Envisioning Eyes of A Soldier Part 1: Homecoming

The fall of American architecture
Like an arrow shot into my heart
A resounding call beckoned me
Before I knew it, my boots met desert
The images of home kept me safe
I dreamed of seeing the fence
That little faded fence out front
The one my father and I painted every year
Except we didn’t this past year

His smile and the tears in his eyes as I left
I know he was proud and is proud
and that hand shake when I returned
“You look just like your father”
So many said that upon my return
Why couldn’t he tell me before…
If only someone told me the way this would feel

I dreamed and wished and longed to get home
and now I’m here and I don’t want to be
Everyone says hero like I deserve it
If only they knew…
I feel forced to be strong
but I feel so damaged, so wrong, so out of place
The world looks different
Like my eyes have been torn out
and replaced with someone elses
but it’s the brain that registers sights seen
So the truth is my mind has been twisted
All the spent cases, the clashing forces
Lives taken and the reasons seem lost
Were the motivations ever even there?

All the bullshit evaporates when she’s near
I never imagined she could be so strong
A lot can happen in a few months
What an understatement…
Her letters transported me across the planet
Even so far away she kept me safe
and now I’ve been back for 6 weeks
Her bags are packed, she’s walking out the door
She wasn’t strong enough
I pushed her away
With tears in her beautiful eyes she turns back
and I wish I could tell her not to go
I just can’t find the words
She deserves better
and I fear I’ll never get any better

Another doctor and another fistful of prescriptions
Why should I follow their directions
When I already feel numb to everything
I served because I felt had to
No one has to serve me pills
At least taking a bullet makes me feel human
I’m so exhausted from all this dangling
This life I lead beneath this fresh hurt is too tiring

Thinner

Trapped beneath this feeling
Afraid to look up at the ceiling
Sleep won’t come, still I’m reeling
and winding this rope
Here without a hope

This is disorientation
Suffocating creation
Often only audible tastes
A contrast of what exits my face
So many voices heard
So much left deterred
The line is all blurred

An increasingly loud chant:
Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger!
You know you’re a quitter,
So go and pull that trigger!

and I wake to find
That I am so behind
The line is spinning
What is winning?
I’m not safe here or there
I’m no one and nowhere
It’s not about what’s fair
It’s about what makes sense
I have bruises from this fence

Discerning is difficult for me
Learning the truth escapes me
I see many falsehoods around
No wonder reality is rarely found

Heartfelt Anxiety

I know this heart of mine is strong
but why do I feel so weak?
I’m too sensitive to belong
Tell me why do I feel so wrong?

I stand but I feel as if I’m falling
and I bury my vulnerability
If I’m a car then I’m sure as hell stalling
Can someone stop the panic from calling?

I wish I could hide it, keep it from showing
but my face displays too much
Chaos lives in the wind and it’s always blowing
Acceptance and tolerance, what keeps you from knowing?

I should be able to let it all go
but my heart won’t allow me
Is armor something that I can grow?
Because I don’t feel safe letting them know

Pointer Fingers

Endings are fascinating
My mind is always creating
Let the wind carry me across new visions
The end of all that may glisten
These are thoughts unspoken yet I listen

Crawl from the trenches within
and see what cannot be seen
The clocks spun out
There’s much to doubt
Silently the air shouts
Tales of the discarded and demolished
Life ended and the witnesses are hidden

No not by natures clenched fist
Slowly we did it to ourselves
Money faded, blood is currency
Anything and everything is bought with blood
It keeps us warm and heavy footed
We slowly forgot that red demands a stop
or at least a quick pause

The proof of our crimes lingers upon our finger tips
We fought for a level playing field
and they gave us manufactured unity
The bloodshot eyes of the sky peer down in shame
Nature is our victim and our unmarked grave

Bean

And I believe we can grow
Even if we can’t let go
Some are hidden and some show
Our own rigid scars to bear
No torment doesn’t play fair
It all seems too much to wear

Tell me, how can this be?
The windshield is dirty
All I want is to see
But it’s unclean always
The sight lost, gone for days
Wish it was just a phase

I see the sky empty
Lingering above me
Could I pay you a fee?
Is there an entity
With the power desired?
Just melt that gun with fire
and prove that you exist
Until then, I’ll resist

I can’t wash it away
You’re scattered every day
Trembling hands made the choice
Life is lacking your voice
Lost in an explosion
Can’t reverse the chosen
I knelt before the calling
and found what was falling

and though the windshield’s dirty
I found what was left for me
My own living memory
Overlooked and out of sight
A place bathed in shining light
Where growth keeps on through the night