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Would it be so bad to swallow the shards?
Would I even feel the blood run down my throat?
I’m the one making this hard
and I’m the one keeping myself afloat
Two hands, two ways to go and I don’t have to dwell in this rut
I am all in day to day, does any choice leave the door shut?

I’ve taken the space between in and dependence
and put it to better use
It’s strange stepping off of the fence
I feel better and I see how much I have to lose
I have to remind myself that I’m not the only one
Finding it difficult to forget the damage already done

What if the fear of being left behind is false
and we’ve just taken a wrong turn?
It’s difficult when I want to run and the truth crawls
but I’m giving myself space to grow and learn
My mistakes never lacked direction
I just struggle with the appreciation

In my mind it’s like I’ve reached a clearing
I’ve taken hold of flaws and begun engineering
and the sounds beckon from below, I am hearing
Though sometimes it’s difficult to pay attention
Sometimes it feels like I’ve put myself on suspension
but no this is something else, this is reinvention
With so much underlying tension
I know the grass isn’t as green as it could be
but I’m not blind to how far I’ve come, I can see
It’s all right here, surrounding me
The image of what I could be, what I have been
Fading silhouettes staring in chagrin
but they don’t understand all that I hold within
Perhaps that’s part of it, I hold
and I put too much weight in what I’m told
Sometimes I think I should let myself fold
Then again I’ve done things for all them before
and look where it got me: addicted and sore
Until I decided to stare into the mirror and explore…

I’m starting to think no one can ever be truly independent
It’s simply the human wanting and wishing to be ascendant

In Eyesight, My Light

There’s something I see in your eyes
Like a message that just can’t find its way into words
Like an invisible object dancing on the air
There’s a feeling felt that surpasses words
It is more than any words could describe
and I don’t want to put a word to it

People talk of wonders of the world
As if nothing can compare
That’s what you are to me

and sometimes I feel like other things in my world
Are losing the glow that they once had
The Earth is spinning around the Sun
No it won’t break from its axis
and like the Earth I’m fixated
and like the Sun you shine so bright
Forget for a second that this is poetry
and believe me when I say that you can break through the clouds
The things and the people that cover your light
I am a better version of myself than I was when you came in
I am better because of how you’ve shown me the way I look in your eyes
Those beautiful eyes
Those enchanting eyes of yours
Keep those eyes on me

Though the road will be difficult, I believe I can sew the seams of my hopes and dreams

My mind is always focused on a distant land
It’s both a metaphoric escape from the bland
and an actual place on this planet
I wish I there was a way to plan it
but the truth is it is all uncertain
I wish it could be a blanket instead of a curtain

It’s not about what is deserved
So many lines are always getting blurred
I dream of a life that could be earned
and on this path I find there’s much to be learned
I’m such a fragile person and oh so lazy
and I know most would just call me crazy
but that word is used when understanding is lost
Because it takes effort and it’s too steep of a cost
For most of the talking heads I see around me
but it’s not difficult to see what has found me
She’d disagree but she is incredible
and I intend to make it all more than a fable
because it absolutely is more than that
I swear I am learning from the times I’ve fallen flat

Often I find my head in the clouds
Sometimes the voices ring out so loud
and they turn things dark and dreary
When I know I can focus on thinking clearly
The truth is I let too much inside
and every time I feel like I die
A little bit more than the last
but it brightens just as fast
There is strength that is all mine
but often it is hard to find
Difficult to realize the truth of it all
Someone tell me why is it so easy to fall?
I’ve spent so much of my life chasing the easy way
but lately I find myself working towards a better day

The other distant land is this right here
The words you’re reading, the ones I fear
that will never reach the point I want them to
but I’m not sure there’s any other things I could do
I want to make a big splash and earn this dream
but my current life dims the light I want to beam
It’s not so easy balancing everything I want to balance
I get lost in my head, drowning in my own trance
Dealing can be difficult and draining
Too many people are extremely straining
The way I approach things needs to be rectified
and changed so I can bring out what is inside

in the breeze of anxieties

A disease, terminally touched down
Wildfires forcing the fleeing of
wildlife unto the uncharted
From seeds into full-fledged trees
Overflowing forests causing confusion, preventing the singing
from flocks of varying birds,
now overwhelmed like the undertow of the distant ocean
Unable to pick a tree, to find a branch
How can anyone expect them to pick a song to sing today?
The sounds of their fluttering wings, tree to tree
and branch to branch
It is all lost in the breeze and the swaying
trees seem to mock them

Watch as the worried looks appear
within the thick outer skin of these trees
What if the birds start singing and bring forth
the buzz saws or the match strikes?
Their bark begins to howl out of their unwarranted worry and sorrow
They are mourning what still lives
They are mourning what still exists
There are no signs of anything different coming
There are no intruding or deafening footsteps
Safety surrounds these towers
but why can they not see?
Is it possible they smell the stench
flowing from the fluttering wings?

Standing firm while bleeding and barely breathing
The creators of oxygen are struggling
Or are they?
But who are they?
It can’t be only trees blowing in the breeze
Shaking before a sneeze
There is a haunting disease
Like the buzzing of bees
Complete with a physical sting
Making nothing into something
Say hello and scream goodbye
Bring it down and leave it high
The only option left is to try
and keep trying,
it’s passing, it is dying
Yes it is dying!

The Birth of Axis

How could she be like that?
I did as she asked, I’m walking aimlessly
Replaying it all over and over
The street lights flicker, I expect the light to fade out
She was so great to me…
My Connie, she said she loved that
but I suppose nothing lasts forever

“It’s time to say, I’m sick of you.
I’ve had it, I’m tired of this indecision
No longer can I be your sky so blue
I have to cut you away with one incision.”

She was right, I feel like I’m bleeding
Without her I’m just like a starless sky
A city with no power, she was…
No she IS my light
I realize now that life is nothing more
Than an invisible line
All we have is a tightrope to tread
A fence line with forces on either side
Pulling and pushing, it’s all never-ending nonsense
I feel like a tree trapped in winter
I know I am alive but I’m cold
and there’s no real sign of life
CONNIE, my love I’d give it all
I just want to shine beneath your light

“No don’t you dare say a word.
I’m exhausted and unable to be your possession
Do you know you’re just absurd?
It’s overwhelming being your one obsession.”

I wish I could have asked her
All the reasons why
but I just have to accept that I’m wrong
Her light, her presence is all that’s right
The rest of the world is fucking wrong
I hate being just another face
Just another incorrect insignificant imbecile

“Who the hell wants to be your one thing?
I’m just done, fucking finished.  It’s over.
Turn around and find yourself a new song to sing.
Your love is like a drug and now I’m sober.”

Rounding another corner, stumbling through the memories
These quiet streets I wander are perfect partners
To the dark lifeless mental roads
and I wonder why those pills haven’t done a damn thing
I swallowed the whole lot, I expect to fall flat
On the punished pavement pounding at my feet
Or is it the other way around?
and why are these streets so silent?
For once I actually want to hear the city’s song
Perhaps I am dreaming a dangerous dream
Feels as if the city is focused elsewhere
It’s a big place, I wonder where everyone is
Perhaps there’s something happening on the other side?
and like that it’s almost like the city answers…
I hear a siren fade in and then out
Is it possible every siren has died?
A more prominent answer slowly develops
and overcomes my free will
I’ve never seen it in this light

“So just go, walk fast
Our lines no longer intersect
I’ll never say I had a blast
You are nothing but another regret”

Her deadly words, my darling
She led me here to this awing architecture
It’s nestled nicely within the darkness
The lonely street lamp falls a mere five paces ahead
If it’s a warning, it goes on ignored
Dead center now, the view from the ledge is so lovely
On a night like this will I even make a sound?
A grumpy voice calls out:
So what if you die?
You’re only a sugar high.
What? Is someone there?
Yes I’m the voice of the unfair
Reach out and catch more air
You’re out of breath, look to your left
I am the one ushering in your death.
I look to see a creature
What kind of insanity is this?
Wait, it’s one of the stoic statues
Okay fine, I’m a gargoyle
I’m here to either fulfill or foil
It’s really all up to you, stranger
So… you’re too frightened to face her?
Hey, I’m only doing what she asked!
No need to get snippy, just relax
I’m here to help one way or another
So which will it be tonight brother?
It’s rather simple, will you end with a leap
Or do you think your life is worthy to keep?

*Some Time Later*

It’s been hours and she hasn’t slept
Every time she shuts her eyes
His face flashes like an audience applause indicator
Except this flashing sign reads: Torment
There’s only one thing for her to do…

The silent streets whisper a haunting sound
Which offers her zero relief
As she closes in on his street
A flashing precursor fully awakens her
She’s no longer experiencing the drowsy decay
and as the lights and the accompanying racket
Pass by swiftly, her eyes snap back
Another light now fills her view
An uncontrollable gasp echoes out of her mouth
His residence… now only flames
and it’s well beyond saving, though the responders still try
She’s beside herself and forgets to control the car
The ambulance serves as a crashing reminder

Write and Wrong

The words, the ones softly spoken
Often are mistakenly thoughtless
and I’ve said it a lot:
The road from my mind to my mouth
Was never finished, the bridge is out
Perhaps it’s a crutch
I’m sure it comes off that way
It just feels better to write,
to be… isolated

Does this make me less than I should be?
The words seem to make more sense
When I write them all down
I come alive upon the page
and the rest of the time
I wither in the shadows

I’m heartfelt and vibrant, alive on the page
I’m cold and emotionless in person
like calculating machinery, going through the motions
because I’m afraid
and persecution seems to live and linger everywhere
I am alive but I refuse to be lively
They are out to get me
Every last one of you
Nothing feels as it should
If confidence is something given at birth
It surely was drained and stolen from me

These ups and downs I wade through
are less frequent nowadays and significantly deeper
I suppose that’s stability laced with clarity
Sobriety, I believe, is a war
Between restoration and regression

Autumn

A drill bit could end the bullshit
A pair of scissors could erase the blisters
A razor blade could phase or fade
but why am I thinking this?
Is happiness a sinking kiss?
just enough to please and seize
We are all just trees in the breeze
Feelings are our leaves, coming then going
Rarely we allow our colors out for showing

Don’t mistake this for suicidal
The curious wondering is natural
Some seek out light at the end of the tunnel
I’m only trying to find faith in myself
Dwelling on all that I’ve ever felt
and trying to discover more about me
and alleviate my mind so I may see clearly

There’s a lot left, I’m not looking to die
Sometimes it’s difficult to find the will to try
Sometimes I can’t find the tears I wish to cry
and if I can be honest: deep inside
I know that life is not to be denied
There’s a lot left to witness and to be tried
There’s many of my colors yet to be flown
and so much I haven’t done and haven’t shown