Vampirism

She was the one with the threat
The one burning herself with regrets
She said “I have the blade in my hand”
Playing present tense when it was just a plan
She wanted it so bad and I was THE April fool
There was a cut but not flesh, she became flushed stool
We were walking, trying to balance on the tightrope
of all our lies, oblivious to the slippery slope

In hindsight, there is no fog
The truth is I got exactly what I sought out
I wanted to hurt, I wanted pain
Be careful what you wish for, is a cliche no doubt
but it’s stone cold advice too

I could make a list of all my mistakes
but it’s better to remember the lessons learned
There’s too many that are immune to wooden stakes
Some are out to drain and laugh as emotions are burned
Vampires belong on well drawn pages placed in crates
Watch as fictional folks are bled and turned

There may not be closure, I’m here picking at the wound
I was torn down swiftly and shown how to bloom
You see, I was confused it wasn’t a wall it was a door
She’s a skeleton now but still she rhymes with sore
She took her fictional blade and cut away parts of me
You could say it’s a bit of a rebirth, I became new
and I was shown something, I found something better
Amazing how it still blows me away how much better
You see, there’s this star in my sky shining so bright
Though not blinding, still a powerful pleasant light

Envisioning Eyes of A Soldier Part 2: Salutations

Another sleepless night, why do I even bother
To try to sleep? The ceiling haunts me
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?
I miss the sight of distant muzzle flashes
I need that night light
Home is where the heart is and I left…
I lost pieces of my heart in that distant land
Every bullet that missed my flesh stole a little of me
Stop, please stop calling me a hero
I am not, the red you see is not a cape
It’s the blood of my brothers
The rotten red hurt that stains my hands
and covers my eyes
They didn’t make it home, I didn’t come back the same
I am not the same
I will never be the same again
I don’t remember what it was like before

Should I be thankful?
I know what real friendship is
Those men, my brothers, were the only ones
Who ever truly had my back
Home is about safety, I don’t feel safe
They gave their lives
Their blood stained and dried upon my hands
Though my hands are clean now, I still see the red
All I can see is red
Did they die so I could make it back alive?
but I don’t want to live without them
They had families, they had rings on their fingers
and all I have is emptiness
My father says he is proud
but it doesn’t feel good
I’m sorry father but it just doesn’t feel right
I’m sorry mother I just don’t feel right
This barrel is cold against my burning skin
and it fits snugly against my temple
My finger slides in the guard and graces the trigger
Just one deep breath and then squeeze
Ready… inhale
Before I can exhale the phone rings
and I can’t ignore the sound

I can feel the tears that are flowing down her face
Like an ocean wave passing through sonically
My ears seem far away as they’re drowned by
The sound of a mother’s sorrow
Her only son, my last brother,
One of the strongest men I’ve ever known…
Oh my brothers, war brought us together
and war destroyed us all

Within the sound of the three-volley
I can’t hold back the tears
and I realize what you have done for me
Even though you’re gone, you still have my back
You’ve always had my back
It wasn’t the phone call that saved me
No it was you
and I wish I could explain it all to your mother
You didn’t take your own life because you’re weak
You’ve always been strong
Not many would be able to understand what it’s like
to feel betrayed by your own mind
Brother, you did the only thing you could
You saved my life again
My brothers I know you’re still looking out for me
and I see now that I am meant to live
There’s no blood on my hands
It’s not my fault that you died
It’s because of you, all of you, that I am alive
and the safety I was longing to have still exists
Your strength and courage and love keeps my heart beating
Brotherhood means everything
and nothing can take it away from me
Nothing and no one can take you away from me
The rifle salute concludes
and I see that honoring all of you doesn’t end
Every breath I take, every step I make can be used to honor you
My life is a tribute to you, my brothers
I am a tribute and I will stand tall

Envisioning Eyes of A Soldier Part 1: Homecoming

The fall of American architecture
Like an arrow shot into my heart
A resounding call beckoned me
Before I knew it, my boots met desert
The images of home kept me safe
I dreamed of seeing the fence
That little faded fence out front
The one my father and I painted every year
Except we didn’t this past year

His smile and the tears in his eyes as I left
I know he was proud and is proud
and that hand shake when I returned
“You look just like your father”
So many said that upon my return
Why couldn’t he tell me before…
If only someone told me the way this would feel

I dreamed and wished and longed to get home
and now I’m here and I don’t want to be
Everyone says hero like I deserve it
If only they knew…
I feel forced to be strong
but I feel so damaged, so wrong, so out of place
The world looks different
Like my eyes have been torn out
and replaced with someone elses
but it’s the brain that registers sights seen
So the truth is my mind has been twisted
All the spent cases, the clashing forces
Lives taken and the reasons seem lost
Were the motivations ever even there?

All the bullshit evaporates when she’s near
I never imagined she could be so strong
A lot can happen in a few months
What an understatement…
Her letters transported me across the planet
Even so far away she kept me safe
and now I’ve been back for 6 weeks
Her bags are packed, she’s walking out the door
She wasn’t strong enough
I pushed her away
With tears in her beautiful eyes she turns back
and I wish I could tell her not to go
I just can’t find the words
She deserves better
and I fear I’ll never get any better

Another doctor and another fistful of prescriptions
Why should I follow their directions
When I already feel numb to everything
I served because I felt had to
No one has to serve me pills
At least taking a bullet makes me feel human
I’m so exhausted from all this dangling
This life I lead beneath this fresh hurt is too tiring

Thinner

Trapped beneath this feeling
Afraid to look up at the ceiling
Sleep won’t come, still I’m reeling
and winding this rope
Here without a hope

This is disorientation
Suffocating creation
Often only audible tastes
A contrast of what exits my face
So many voices heard
So much left deterred
The line is all blurred

An increasingly loud chant:
Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger!
You know you’re a quitter,
So go and pull that trigger!

and I wake to find
That I am so behind
The line is spinning
What is winning?
I’m not safe here or there
I’m no one and nowhere
It’s not about what’s fair
It’s about what makes sense
I have bruises from this fence

Discerning is difficult for me
Learning the truth escapes me
I see many falsehoods around
No wonder reality is rarely found

Heartfelt Anxiety

I know this heart of mine is strong
but why do I feel so weak?
I’m too sensitive to belong
Tell me why do I feel so wrong?

I stand but I feel as if I’m falling
and I bury my vulnerability
If I’m a car then I’m sure as hell stalling
Can someone stop the panic from calling?

I wish I could hide it, keep it from showing
but my face displays too much
Chaos lives in the wind and it’s always blowing
Acceptance and tolerance, what keeps you from knowing?

I should be able to let it all go
but my heart won’t allow me
Is armor something that I can grow?
Because I don’t feel safe letting them know

Pointer Fingers

Endings are fascinating
My mind is always creating
Let the wind carry me across new visions
The end of all that may glisten
These are thoughts unspoken yet I listen

Crawl from the trenches within
and see what cannot be seen
The clocks spun out
There’s much to doubt
Silently the air shouts
Tales of the discarded and demolished
Life ended and the witnesses are hidden

No not by natures clenched fist
Slowly we did it to ourselves
Money faded, blood is currency
Anything and everything is bought with blood
It keeps us warm and heavy footed
We slowly forgot that red demands a stop
or at least a quick pause

The proof of our crimes lingers upon our finger tips
We fought for a level playing field
and they gave us manufactured unity
The bloodshot eyes of the sky peer down in shame
Nature is our victim and our unmarked grave

Bean

And I believe we can grow
Even if we can’t let go
Some are hidden and some show
Our own rigid scars to bear
No torment doesn’t play fair
It all seems too much to wear

Tell me, how can this be?
The windshield is dirty
All I want is to see
But it’s unclean always
The sight lost, gone for days
Wish it was just a phase

I see the sky empty
Lingering above me
Could I pay you a fee?
Is there an entity
With the power desired?
Just melt that gun with fire
and prove that you exist
Until then, I’ll resist

I can’t wash it away
You’re scattered every day
Trembling hands made the choice
Life is lacking your voice
Lost in an explosion
Can’t reverse the chosen
I knelt before the calling
and found what was falling

and though the windshield’s dirty
I found what was left for me
My own living memory
Overlooked and out of sight
A place bathed in shining light
Where growth keeps on through the night

A Different Shade of Blue

Believe me, I’d like to be more confident
If only it was as easy as flipping a switch
But when everyone looks at me like I’m crazy
I find it pointless to share a word
Why speak a single syllable?
I say it’s easier to write things down
But is that just an excuse?
I can tell from the look in your eye
That there is something wrong with me
But you see, I don’t feel wrong
Yes I know I’m an outsider
It does feel okay most of the time
It’s just sometimes…
I wish I didn’t feel so alone
but saying that just opens me up to shallow sympathies
So I swallow my thoughts and then dump them on a page
Thank you to the trees that died for me

Silently, I do think there’s too much talking
And no one is really saying anything
There’s too much noise, this world is too loud
I don’t belong, I don’t want to scream and fight with anyone
Is the silent road, the high road?
I see anger as an all consuming fire
And it’s done burning me alive
I don’t have any appetite for wine
With or without the letter H

As the years turn and burn away
I’m left with a lot
As the years pass I see I’m less and less
Like my parents
As the years flutter and fly away
These blood ties feel more and more like a noose
As the years flee and fade
I feel as though I’m growing too slowly
As the years are carried away from me
I see the color of my eyes dull

Time well spent is water that quenches my thirst
and often I spend it like I have an endless supply
Those results are not the best
but the subtle shade of blue in my eyes says
The good does out weigh the poor
and I’m richer than I was a year ago

My Enveloping Reflection

Last year, after a rough couple days dealing/reliving a fairly distant memory I had to step outside myself and look around a little.  I had just written the poem that would later be titled “A Single Shard” and while I wrote it I had one of those moments of clarity.  I had convinced myself that dwelling on things was the proper protocol and perhaps it is for some things but it can’t be the rule of thumb for everything.  So I set out to try to find a different way and that is what my ebook “My Enveloping Reflection” is about.

It’s a very honest yet somewhat artistic look at things in my life.  Both present and past with a hope for the future.  There are quite a few subtle moments within that may be apparent to some but not all.  Some personal things that I have come out and said point blank in the past but I find that some mystery is a good thing.  I think I do that quite well.

I chose today to release it because of my friend Josh.  He passed away a little over 8 years ago and it wasn’t until last year that I truly felt like I had fully dealt with the whole thing.  Today would have been his 26th birthday.  There’s no mention of him within MER because it’s not about him.  It’s about me living and finding how to live.  Releasing it today is my way of showing him that I am grateful, that he still inspires me and in a sort of way this book is me saying “I won’t, I don’t have to go out that way.”  I think he showed me that the substance abuse, the alcohol abuse leads to only one thing.  It took me a long time to see that.  To really see that truth and embrace it.  Maybe you, whoever you are that is reading this, are someone who has one of those addictive personalities, let My Enveloping Reflection be proof that no one has to be a slave to whatever your vice is.  Though it’s not a how-to manual type thing, it’s my own venting expression.  This was written for myself, it’s how I deal with things.

I don’t exactly want to explain too much of what I wrote about within MER, I think it speaks for itself and I am very proud of it.  To the people that have been following along since I started this project, sorry it took so long.  There was no other way.  And thanks again to Mike DeWolf for the lovely cover art. 🙂

Without further rambling here it is:

.PDF file Mirror 1: http://www.mediafire.com/download/5hdekwut500fb9f/mer2.pdf

.PDF file Mirror 2:  http://www.sendspace.com/file/nyvq11 

Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/My-Enveloping-Reflection-ebook/dp/B00F39VE7Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378917656&sr=8-1

Barnes and Noble link: coming soon

If you experience any sort of issues, please let me know.  Also for mobile users’ convenience:

iPhone PDF viewer: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/pdf-reader-iphone-edition/id368377690?mt=8

Android PDF viewer: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=cx.hell.android.pdfview&hl=en

Turn Away, Tyrant

The late night, early morning hours do not belong to me
It’s a choice I made long ago
I surrender the ownership of my nights
but daylight is mine
Though I do not witness the majestic morning arrival
and same goes for the departure of the sun
I have made my peace and I will reclaim the vision
and the ownership but for now, they are not mine

I am surrounded by the bitter taste of complacency
but they do not realize it’s all their choice
Just like mine
I choose to let the focus fade
and obsess over better things
I know and I see that the ones that reign over us
do not concern themselves with our well-being
Why should they?
and let’s flip the coin…
Why should we care?

Remember, you get what you pay for

The Only Star In My Sky

Will you let me put it all out on the table?
You say we’re opposites and that you aren’t so stable
but I don’t want a perfect oh so perfect perfection
and I don’t need or want you to be like a reflection
Can I be the hand that you hold so tight
and the voice that says it’s all right
Let my arms be your warmth and safety
There is no definitely but plenty of maybe
Do you know you smear smiles
upon my face that reach for miles?
I feel so much that it’s difficult to compile
and make perfect sense of in my head
and sometimes I feel like much is left unsaid
You’ve increased my own confidence
Life is a blessing and you are my presents
Wrapped up so sweetly, in an air of kindness
and perhaps there I have a sort of blindness
but I still see, I still feel
Your affections and attention heals
and raises me up out of the deep holes
Your presence brushes off the dirt and coal
Darling, I love looking at myself through your eyes
Yes it’s been tough but I still have the will for more tries

It’s universal to say the feelings reside in the heart
and it is rather romantic
Though I don’t agree, you don’t just live in one part
so place me under skeptic
because I see that as far too limited
So just look into my eyes and see
It’s more than my heart you’ve visited
You shine onto me and beam through me

and my dear, I understand your hesitation
I know I am intense, it’s not my intention
It’s all simple to say but not simple to hear
I feel a lot and I don’t mind your fears
I am also afraid, but I try to focus elsewhere
Life isn’t, but you, you are so very fair
I want you to keep me close and I will do the same
You keep me up and this, you and I, feels like fame
Your eyes are my bright lights
and mine shine for you, just right
Our separate lives may be dark and loud
but together we can escape the crazy crowds
Let’s just pretend we are people designed perfectly
sharing simple things and perfect moments, discreetly